I am a Runner.

I am a runner. When people ask me what I do for a living, that is the first thing that comes to mind and only then what I actually do to support my lifestyle. I identify as a runner before I identify as anything else because running (physically and metaphorically) is at the heart and soul of all other activities that occupy my day. That is not to say that the only thing that I think, dream, eat, and breath is running, in fact that couldn't be farther from the truth, but the lessons learned on the long tiring runs, and during short burst workouts can be applied just as much to life as they can be applied to running itself. 

When I first started running, I ran for fat lose, I didn't run for me. I hated every step and every mile, I was a slave to the ideal body image that I had in my head and to the coveted single digit body fat percentages. I was lost, I had no idea what I was doing, I kept hurting myself for minimal amounts of gain and ended up with more body fat then I originally started with. I was making the same mistakes that every single female makes when they decide to become active: do minimal amounts of lifting and maximum cardio. I was on that treadmill for hours burning muscle and fat, tearing my joints, and then coming home and overeating thinking that I deserved it. 

Fast forward a few years of damaging fitness habits, emotional eating, lowered self esteem, I decided that enough was enough. I really buckled down, did my research and began an actual journey to a better me. Earlier this spring I wrote a post about my very first race and the inspiration, the support, and the love that I felt. That was the time when I knew that running was for me, but it wasn't the time when I began identifying as a runner. 

The first time that I thought of myself as a runner was when my life was in an even bigger rut then it had before. Those were very dark times for me mentally and emotionally and I had nowhere left to hid and almost no one left to talk to. There are only so many motivational texts you can read and therapy sessions that you can attend before they start losing effect and become yet another unnecessary annoyance. There was a day when I was simply lost in the darkness of my own negativity and a tailspin of "why me?" when a surprising thought rang clear as day in the back of my mind: "you are strong, you are a runner, weak people can't do what you do, push through". The irony is, those were the exact same words I kept saying when I hit a wall at the end of a very tough race that I ran a few month prior. There I sat on the floor of my bathroom with a roll of toilet paper by my side, eyes swollen from hours of crying, stunned.

There is a point in every runners life, when they are reduced to a state of absolute primal being. You are no longer a person, you are no longer yourself, you are an instinct, a set of basic and yet a very complex functions. You can't think, you can't process information (at least not the kind of information that does not pertain to the task at hand, moving your feet forward), the only thing that you can comprehend is that failure is not an option, that the finish line is coming and when you finally cross it, you get to collapse into a tiny pile of mortal flesh and embrace the post run cheering and pain that will inevitably come. The good pain that comes sweetened with the notion of ultimate achievement and the best tasting bagel ever! It is during the primal state that the  "chant" or the mantra comes in for me.

I guess somewhere between being mad at the unfairness of the world and beginning to cry my eyes out, I allowed the situation I was in to reduce myself to nothing more than a breathing organism and the autopilot kicked in. The runners autopilot: "you are strong, you are a runner, weak people don't do what you do, push through...".  The realization of the fact that I thought of myself as a runner for the first time while I was feeling sorry for myself on the bathroom floor  shocked me like and ice bath.  Whatever my problem was before that realization, did not matter. I was a runner and I could push through. I pick myself up, washed my face, put on my running gear and went for a very long run. I was cured. 

From that day forward, regardless of discomfort, nerves, stress, or pain, there is only one answer: Go Run! The endurance that I learned though running allowed me to confidently press through my daily issues with less to no fear because I know what I am capable of physically and spiritually, I am no longer afraid to be afraid. The focus that I learned through running propels me towards my goals each and every hour of each and every day and I am that much more productive. Relentless desire to "cross the finish line" and runner stubbornness to keep pushing despite the odds helped me pursue some of the strangest and almost unrealistic goals. However, the most important lesson that I learned from running is to keep pushing through the up hills, because at the top of that hill, the downhill begins and I get to rest, recharge, and tackle the next hill renewed, stronger, more resilient than ever.

Running

National Running Day is coming up on June 5th and there are plenty of great running communities and causes that need your help. Donate to a cause or volunteer at a race and spread the word about this wonderful sport.

The One Fund was formed to help those affected by the Boston Marathon bombing and their families. If you have $10 you can make a difference. Remember, every little bit counts.

Atlanta Track Club is a wonderful community of runners in Atlanta Georgia. Visit their website and sign up for on of the races or volunteer at a race and help spread the love and good cheer of running in your community.

Run Now  is an organization that promotes the wonderful sport of running. So, if you run, know anyone who runs, go and pledge miles or buy their "run now" bracelet and they will make a donation to The One Fund.

Do What Your Coach Tells You

Seriously, there is something to be said about the famous phrase: "I told you this would happen!" Although my coaches are much too nice to say something like that, I can sense it. Hopefully, if I tell you what happened to me, you will not ignore your trainer/ coach when they tell you that stretching (much like diet) are an extremely important part of your exercise routine.

Stretching helps relax tight muscles, makes the muscle stronger (by relaxing it), prevents the  formation of "lumps" in your muscle tissue, and it melts the stress away. There are multiple ways to stretch and it mostly depends on your routine and problem areas. As an ex fencer and a current runner, most of my stress settles in my right shoulder and elbow (previous injuries) and in my legs. See, I know all of this and yet somehow, I ended up getting caught up in everything else and skipping out on stretching this past month. Yes, amateur mistake! But I am here to keep it real, to be accountable, and hopefully to inspire you guys to pay attention and learn from the mistakes of others.

As you already know I had to stop running due to severe shin splints and I am going to have to cut back on my lifting, due to a tennis elbow flare up. What will I do? Not sure. There aren't a lot of options remaining when your upper and lower body are out of commission. I guess I'll pick up biking, maybe concentrate on that swimming thing I have been meaning to pick up. Basically, the past two weeks have taken their toll on me mentally and physically. It is hard enough to deal with an injury that threatens to take you out of commission for a while,  but when you learn that it could have been prevented by doing a few simple, quick stretches in the shower, well....  I am still keeping my head up above water, though. I look at it as an opportunity to reevaluate my training, concentrate on activities that will eventually prep me for a triathlon, and potentially convert friends that do not normally exercise into fitness people. 

 So, the lesson here is: listen to your trainer and do your stretches as often as you can. Do them before you work out, do them in the shower, do them before you go to bed, do them at your desk during the day, just do them!

The Day I Said "No" To Fear

Today was my video interview at Revolution Fitness, the gym that I have been a member of for about 3 and a half years. I wish I wasn't so camera shy and didn't stutter as much as I did. I think I relayed all the information that I wanted to relay in a concise and laconic manner, but I do wish that I talked about my current trainer more. Since I don't think that I gave her enough credit, I'd like to write a short bit about how she changed my life.

...and then those people become your friends :)

Since I met Nicki last July,  I have changed dramatically not only physically, but also spiritually. In part my change came from my inner desire to change and part of it was her contagiously positive attitude. Through my training with her I have learned the power of positive self talk, benefits of various exercises, and the necessity to truly believe in the goals that I set for myself. I have to say here, that I knew all of these things before, I heard these things before, I just needed to be ready to accept them.Whether it is through a specific method of delivery or just because I view her as a true inspiration, my eyes were opened and I saw myself for who I truly am-- an ATHLETE.

I have to tell you a story about this woman's dedication and passion for what she does. This is also a story of a defining moment in my training, the movement that I truly committed and became fearless.

At the beginning of September 2012 I was in a very dark and lonely place. I was lost in doubt, in self hatred, and a sea of overall negativity. That sunny, September day I had a rough workout, I was not feeling well, I had zero energy, and the only thing that I wanted to do was to stop feeling like I lost control of everything.

As I was walking up to the towel rack, feeling discouraged, clear as day I heard Anna's voice in my head (Anna is my previous trainer and owner of Revolution Fitness who first introduced me to quality training) "Kseniya, I don't understand what you are doing! Are you running a race or are you not running a race?" these words were said to months before in part out of concern and in part out frustration over my own frustration with the lack of my progress. Anna was right, I wasn't committed, I was just talking about being committed. In that moment, it was clear to me, I have to stop talking and start doing. I had all the resources available to me: a wonderful trainer, a great gym, an awesome support system, there was nothing in my way!

When I got home that night, I signed up for my very first 5K race. I was very nervous hitting "submit" on the registration form, but I knew that if I didn't hit that button, I'd be full of it again.  During my next training session, to cement my commitment, I told Nicki that I signed up for my very first 5K race. She looked at me and asked with a smile: "Really? Which one are you running, I'll run with you!"I was in disbelief. Really? She is actually going to go and run a race with me? Me, a slow poke, who will probably throw up 5 minutes in? Wow! Why would anyone do that? (didn't I tell you that I was really down on myself?)

Up to the time that I saw her at the number pick up table, that early Saturday morning, I don't think I fully believed that there is a person willing to help me battle, what seemed like, a perpetual uphill struggle. The horn went of and immediately Nicki began pacing me, talking to me, walking me through this new race thing. She ran by my side the whole way, helped me stay out of my own head by calming me down when I freaked out about a side stitch, helped me fight the hills, and got me to the finish line with a better time then I expected. When I crossed the finish, I wanted to throw up. I think I even teared up a little from pure exhaustion. Nicki stayed by my side, made sure that I was ok, and talked to me the entire time. She was trying to take my mind of off feeling the discomfort of a hard race.  After that, we got bananas and walked back to our cars. I drove home in stunned disbelief because I just finished my first 5k in under 40 minutes and Nicki went for a long run with her friends (yes, 5K was just her warmup).

 I heard from other runners that you will never forget your first race. My race was made that much more memorable by my resolution to never again allow myself to go backwards or give up on myself. There was a person out there that believed in me more, at that time, than I believed in myself, which means that there is never a reason for me to doubt what I can do. You are your biggest fan and cheerleader, after all!

I don't think that there will ever be enough words to describe the multitude of ways in which fitness and running impacted my life. I honestly don't think that I would be here if I never crossed the threshold of Revolution Fitness and consequently I would have never met a person that I consider  a great friend and an amazing trainer.

Still Sore But...

My Purple Pavement Eaters

Despite how sore and awful I felt, I still went out for a short run in honor of those that could not run today. I probably should have taken it easy, but with all the anxiety and stress, I wouldn't have been able to move on with my day without doing something active that I enjoyed.

Yes, it was just slightly painful, and yes, I will have my legs and my back look at tomorrow by Neurosport Atlanta. Hopefully they will be able to give me an answer as to what has been going on with my body and why I am unable to handle stresses that I would normally have no issues handling.

On a side note, I am glad to say that I will be resuming my training with my wonderful friend and trainer tomorrow. I have missed all the encouragement and all the "good" pain that she can deliver. Her workouts never disappoint and the passion and energy that she feels for her job and her clients is contagious to say the least. Easily, she is the most positive person I know. I am so glad to be back working out with her!

Boston Tragedy: Stay Strong, Guys!

I have no words to describe how deeply upset I am about the tragedy that happened today. So many runners dream of the day they take their place at the start line of Boston Marathon. Some train for years to get their chance to run  in one of the most revered marathons in the world. Some never get in, others get in with mere seconds to spare. It is an iconic running event, for some, it is a privilege to run it.  My personal goal is to run Boston in two years and I know that there were runners there today that  visualized the day they take the Heartbreak Hill the same way I do during my training.  It saddens me that such an event was targeted. 

Despite the fact that any deliberate harm brought to a person by another is just wrong, what makes this attack absolutely heinous,  is that most of those runners had very little left  in their "gas tank" after already running 26.2 miles for 4 hours. I can only imagine how defenseless and weak some must have felt trying to save themselves from the blasts and being unable to due to pure exhaustion. 

My heart goes out to all runners and their family members who fell victim to this awful attack. I hope that whoever did this is brought to justice.

Run Therapy.

Yes, I know I missed a couple of days of posts. In the last few days I had a few family issues that will not be discussed here, and honestly, I just couldn't bring myself to write. Today I feel much better so, here I am, back at it.

When I woke up this morning, the sky was gray and it looked like it was going to rain. I have been so stressed and angry during the last few days that I decided to go for a run regardless of the weather. I got to the local high school track, put on my minimalist shoes and went for a warm-up lap. I love my new shoes. I will post pics of them later this week.

Before my run.  I was much sweatier after. :)

The moment I took off at an easy pace around the football field, I felt my anxiety melt away. By the time I was done with my warm up I almost felt like a normal person. I started into my sprints, and after the first few steps, feeling the wind on my face, allowing the gravity to pull me towards my goal, I realized that I am so incredibly grateful for this thing called "running".

There are very few times in life when one can feel more alive than during a run. Think about it, you are more tuned in to your own body during a run then during any other activity (well, yoga and meditation aside). It is hard to explain to those that do not run regularly the joy that I find in the moment when I have to fully retreat into myself in order to push through a "wall" and realize how alive and how powerful I am. The combination of sounds of my foot falls, my breathing, my heart beat, all make a beautiful symphony or life. The burn of the quads (sprints), calves and hamstrings (hill drills), produce the pain that can only be described as "good". After all, it means that I am getting stronger, faster, more efficient.  

In the recent issue of Runner's World, there was an article about running and pain. What stood out the most to me, was the part where the author talked about his difficulty explaining to none runners that he enjoys the pain of the run.  It is true, I noticed that in my own daily interactions. Most normal people consider  pain bad and for a good reason. Nothing good comes out of pain, but for a runner the spectrum of "pain" is expended. There is a difference between being in pain, and being painfully injured. You stop running when you are injured, but you run through the pain. Pain simply means that there is a untapped potential. That there is still room to push and grow.

I remember running my first 10k. I pushed, I fought, and I finished. To be honest, it got painful on mile three and I still had more than half of the distance to go. I accepted it, I pushed through it, and with that acceptance came a personal victory and a 10k PR.

Same happened today. The weather was perfect: 58 degrees, overcast, low humidity, it was the best time to run! When I took off in a sprint, I felt free. Five laps later (sprinting the straights and walking the curves) I had to retreat inward to find strength, to fight through the wall. Lap six and seven felt easy. I even jogged the curves instead of walking. My sprint speed increased too! I went back to walking through the curves in  lap eight, but my sprint speed continued to increase. I was blown away and absolutely happy.

I Hate Pollen

Today is day two of my Cleanse and day two of stepping up my training. All I can tell you is it is day two and I am already exhausted. Which is why I have desired to drastically alter my sleeping schedule. Somehow I am more willing to sacrifice my social life than the quality of my workouts. But enough of the whining, let me tell you what I did today. 

I was pretty brave this afternoon and gone outside (I know, why would anyone do that with all this gross, yellow stuff around?). Within minutes I could feel my skin getting covered with pollen, when sweat was added into the equation, I began to itch like crazy. However, regardless of the pain, the watering eyes, the itch, the burning throat, I made it through my hill drills today. 

After I am done writing this short entry, I am going to go get a filter mask from CVS and wear it when I run. I hear they are incredible for running in this awful pollen. Yes, they are ugly, yes, you look like you are escaping a plague of some type, but you know what? When I train, I am not training to make a fashion statement, I am training to feel good and look good after I take a shower and eat. I never understood girls that end up primping in the mirror during their workout. Don't they understand that unless their face is melting off, they are doing it wrong?

A Girl Gotta Have Shoes!

While I was doing my elliptical HIIT this morning, I got to thinking about shoes. Every girl needs a new pair of shoes every once in a while. Some of us love high heels, personally, I'll take a good running shoe over a pair of fabulous heels any day.  Oh, who am I kidding, I would never pick between the two. I'd take them both! In the delicate matter of picking out shoes, one should never play favorites. 

Long story short, here is  something that I found useful when I was picking out my pair of running shoes. Hope it helps you too.