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| I couldn't help it. :) |
Today was one of those days. You know, the one where you
pointlessly trying to salvage the pieces of everything that just seems to fall
apart around you? Regardless of how hard I tried to concentrate on the positive
aspects of my day, I kept getting frustrated with the moment that I was in. I
think the realization that I was getting frustrated about getting frustrated is
what eventually got me to stop and reevaluate my position.
The day started surprisingly well actually. I was up bright
and early, bright eyed and bushy-tailed. I had a great breakfast, had plenty of
time to go and take care of a wonderful set of pets that I am taking care of,
had some Spark (to get my butt in gear) and wrote for a few hours. Then I went to the gym. All was well up until
I couldn't hammer curl a twenty pound weight. My mind was blown, I got so
discouraged! I just couldn't come out of it regardless of how hard I tried. The
rest of the workout, even those things that I am extremely good at (like
abdominal exercises. I can do those all day!) felt difficult and borderline impossible. I knew that I am stronger than that, I knew
that I can push through, but my mind
wasn't in the right place and that impacted me significantly.
When I got home the rest of my day spun out of control. I
couldn't wait to get back to work, but even that started to get jumbled up and
I began stuttering in my writing. Taking a break didn't do much good. It only
increased my anxiety which lead straight to a panic attack. Sounds extremely
unreasonable? It is. But when you are in
a tailspin of a moment that turns into a few hours, you don't see how
unreasonable it is.
I am very hard on
myself, but knowing that, I have been
working on my mental fitness for a long time. After all, having the physical capacity
to overcome obstacles is only half the battle. One needs enough mental strength
to truly tap into to their body's potential. I am
proud to admit that most days I have it together enough to battle tiny bits of
insecurity and self doubt, but every once in a while, when it comes on hard, I
still can't bring myself to a stop.
Since I am being honest and accountable, I felt that I
needed to share that I had a hell of a day full of self damage control and that
I am now completely exhausted from it. It
is barely six o'clock and I already feel like I need to go to bed. Instead of
going to bed, however, I am going to go and make me some swai and asparagus.
Because that's what champions do! :)
